A few years ago, I felt a strong leading from the Lord to take a different posture in my social settings. In the words of Aaron Burr to Alexander Hamilton in the Broadway musical “Hamilton”, I needed to “talk less, smile more.” What I was noticing was that my excessive talking was not coming from genuine curiosity or discernment of the common good. Rather, my talking was a by-product of my anxiety. I was externally processing the tumult inside my spirit.
Fast forward a few years, and I feel there are a few things I’ve learned that help inform a contemplative and cruciform posture for public theology, the discussion of our deepest convictions with the world we encounter. Please receive this list with my utmost humility. I’m sharing what I’m learning, and I’m far from perfect in this endeavor:
Listen first. This should go without saying, but it is rare. Americans endow leadership potential on those who can control a room. But the first person to speak is often not a leader, they’re simply assertive. Leaders have influence. Good leaders have a positive influence and presence on those around them. Remember, dictators are assertive to the point of aggression, and they often speak first.
Survey the room. Learn to read body language. Who is not talking? Who is doing most of the talking? Where are people sitting? Simple things like the choreography of a table communicate volumes about how people see themselves. Take notice of such realities, and observe nonverbal and verbal communication.
Make connections. Instead of launching into your idea, give credit to the ideas that have gone before. Build off what another person has shared. Help draw connections between your thoughts and their convictions. When people hear you speak, let them be hopeful that their ideas will contribute to something larger.
Be a bridge builder. This is intimately tied to the above. Help to draw those around you into the network of ideas that are shaping the conversation and decisions. Decisions should not be made autocratically, but ought to be influenced by a team. Be a person who helps find common ground in a sea of ideologues.
Affirm well. Make others stand out. Don’t be fake in your appreciation, but make it count. Affirm specifically so that people know that you really see them. People want their voice to matter. Aim to be a person who reminds them that it does.
Don’t draw attention to yourself. This is by far one of the most counter-cultural parts of the posture I’m learning. In a society where the modus operandi is to express yourself, choose to be the opposite. Build others up and celebrate when a good point is made, even when you did not make the point. Be the foundation off which others can build their voice.
Move from certainty to confidence. Certainty is rarely certain and usually founded on our anxiety about how things should be. When confronted, certain people get defensive and lack the nimbleness required for adaptive leadership. Confidence has deep convictions but is open to learning more from others. Certainty is a faulty mental construct. Confidence is a relational commitment (to others and to ideas). Confidence incorporates others. Certainty (falsely) claims I’ve already arrived.
Follow-up. Find spaces after meetings to follow up with people for clarity and conversation. Trust is not created in the board room, but is built outside the room and leveraged within it. Consensus breaks down where there is no trust (nor is consensus majority vote). The work done outside the meeting room is foundational to the work inside it.
Confront privately. Never call someone out publicly (in-person or online). Instead, meet them over coffee (if possible) or with a phone call. Confrontation’s goal is always reconciliation, never harm. Therefore, when you confront privately, make sure you can, at minimum, hear each other’s voices. Confronting via emails, texting, Facebook, Twitter, or in a group is almost always a power play on your part. Confronting privately in love reminds the other of your deep commitment to them.
This list is far from exhaustive, but I believe it helps shape a cruciform public witness for Christians. Our goal is always to be salt and light in the world (Mt. 5:13-16). Salt flavors or preserves something beyond itself. Light helps us see other things better.
My prayer for myself, first and foremost, and for you is that we would heed the call of Galatians 2:20: “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (emphasis mine). With Christ, my anxiety has been crucified so that I may serve those around me in his power. Remember, the person the world sees in public is the Jesus you’re representing.